Christmas Body Product Assault

I like lotion as much as the next person (possible more so because I'm big fat giant pregnant and my stretch marks itch like a bitch so I have to use it 5 times a day to keep from scratching myself to death). I also like things that smell nice as much as the next person, and let's face it... bath products are a necessary part of life. My question is, when did these things become the only acceptable present for a female age 16-30?

Every year I celebrate this magical season by opening one sugary smelling gift after the other... all in different scents of course, so I can't even use multiple ones on the same day or I'll smell like a hobo who's been camping out behind the cosmetics counter at Dillard's for the past week. Or they come in a giant bath gift set with ten different scented articles, half of which I don't even know the use of. (Seriously, why do I need separate body wash and bubble bath? If you can't get an acceptable amount of bubbles from squirting some body wash under the tap when you're filling the tub then you are just being a greedy little bitch. Oh, and what the fuck is a bath salt?) I think it must be in the Bible somewhere and I've been missing it all these years... somewhere in the Christmas story there must be a verse "And thou shalt celebrate my birthday by assaulting one another with over-priced bottles of synethically scented pomegranate orange." (Gospel according to Bath and Body Works?)

My problem is not with the fact that I get these gifts but with the sheer quantity in which they come, they're like a slimy version of Lays potato chips... you can never have just one. This year I actually got not one, but two whole bath gift sets FROM THE SAME PERSON (I got plenty of other gifts in this category from other people too) and all I could think of was "Really? You don't think I have enough things to think about in my day without having to start it off by deciding between multiple brands of face wash?" (P.S. I am always going to use my own face wash... that is one bottle in the basket that will go straight in the trash.) Or I'll get the sampler lotion gift set that comes with six different full sized bottles of lotion... like I said, I love me some lotion but how would I ever use that much? The only person that gift is appropriate for is teenage boys, they are the only demographic that will ever go through lotion at that rate, though maybe for a different use then you intended.

What I don't understand though is why. Do 20 something women naturally smell bad and I didn't get the memo? Do we have abnormally dry and crusty skin and the world is trying to tell us? Or maybe it's just me... maybe I just smell bad and nobody up to this point in my life had been able to grow the balls to clue me in. If someone questions my hygiene I would really prefer they just tell me instead of sending these coded messages in snowflake covered decorative bags. At least then I wouldn't have to deal with this moral quandary of whether or not it's kosher to move something directly from a gift bag to a trash bag.

If Jesus had the abounding opportunities to smell like vanilla and lavender like I do he totally would have had a happy birthday.

Black Friday

My hatred is not for Black Friday in and of itself, but rather for people with strong feelings towards it. Actually that statement is also misleading because I myself have strong feelings about it... I DON'T CARE.

Let's assume for a second that I choose to spend my day off sleeping in. Oh no! I missed out on all these great deals! There is no way I can possibly go on living knowing that I didn't get 20% off the 3rd season of Quantum Leap on DVD! Who the hell cares?! Yeah, I know it's completely outrageous to believe that someone might find it more rewarding to stay curled up in a nice warm bed on a chilly morning snuggled up with someone they don't get to spend enough time with instead of standing in a line getting frost bite for a chance to throw elbows into an old ladies gut trying to beat her to that last half off cappuccino maker. And just for the record it is possible to choose to opt out of the madness because you want to, not everyone who makes that decision does so because they "just don't know how much fun it is".

Now once again let's assume that I really really did want that 3rd season of Quantum Leap on DVD and get up early to go get it for 20% off. Oh my goodness! I'm participating in a tradition that supports American consumerism! How can I possible sleep at night knowing that I'm such a pawn of capitalism?! Who the hell cares!? How many facebook status's did I see the Friday and Saturday after Thanksgiving with snide remarks about how sad it is that people chose to participate... how fucking condescending can you be? Woohoo! You spent one whole morning not buying things... do you want a gold star for your superior moral character? And for the record you're stupid if you don't realize how hilarious it is that you talk about "those people" who participate in this "capitalism debauchery" and then in the next sentence brag about the fantastic sale you found on the shoes you're wearing. I guess I didn't get the memo that sales are good except for one morning of the year when they're evil. Money in the system is money in the system... sorry to burst your bubble.

So seriously, go shopping or don't. I don't care. I'll go shopping or I won't. It's stupid for you to be concerned.

Twilight

A small list of things that are stupid about Twilight. (If you've never seen a movie or read a book of it this might not make any sense to you... I won't be offended if you stop reading right here.)

1. The ending of New Moon. For anyone who hasn't seen it I'm not going to spoil it for you... but really!?!? You can't end there! You just can't! I wanted to punch the person sitting next to me in the theater I was so pissed.

2. Sitting in a crowded theater full of tweens (which luckily doesn't happen to me very often at all). Someone needs to teach that age range how to be quiet during a freaking movie... I understand that 95% of your generation has been diagnosed with ADD but it's still not that hard to keep your trap shut for an hour and a half.

3. Team Jacob v. Team Edward fights. If you don't have anything better to argue about then then which species of fictitious monster has the most sex appeal then someone needs to introduce you to religion or politics.

4. Edward. Stop being such an emo pussy. Oh! You're so tormented! Your life is so tragic! No one could ever understand you! Either stop being so emo or just put on some skinny jeans and eye liner already and stop kidding yourself. You've been alive for 109 years which in my book is plenty of time to grow a pair so stop whining and nut up. And just for the record the whole "I have to hurt you to save you" thing is stupid and overdone so just stop it, Bella is a big girl and can make her own decisions you condescending a-hole.

Skinny Jeans

Skinny jeans don't make me nearly as angry as they just make me sad. I am sad because a huge wave of American youth are being tricked into unknowingly wearing the most unflattering cut of pants that anyone ever could have come up with. Left to their own devices these kids could have had the chance to find pants that made them look ok, or at least not awful, but instead the entire fashion industry has told them it's "cool" to not look your best.

Dear Entire Youth Culture,
I am here today to tell you the truth that may be hard to hear, but believe me when I say that I tell you this because I love you. NOBODY LOOKS GOOD IN SKINNY JEANS. Nobody. Really.
That abnormally skinny 1% of the population, you think you can pull them off because you're so teeny tiny but they still usually make you look stubby, no one wants to look stubby. Just because you CAN pull them off doesn't mean they're the best idea for you. The other 99% if you are just making yourselves look unnecessarily fat by wearing them... you're not fat, you're healthy... or maybe you are a little fat, I don't know, but you could give yourself a much more flattering figure by just choosing a style of pants that fits your body type.
At this age you have enough self conscious body image issues to work through without purposely adding to them; you have zits, your hair never looks the way you want it to, you're trying to deal with a completely new body shape that you're not used to, I get it, I was there myself not so long ago. Most of that stuff you will just have to work through, but I guarantee you that you will feel just a little bit better by just wearing clothes that don't make you look worse then you need to look.
On a more selfish note, the rest of us don't want to see all of that, it makes us cringe to see all your flab giggling for the world to see and your muffin top rolling over... and yes, even when you're not fat that's usually what it looks like. We don't cringe because you're ugly, we cringe because we understand that you will regret this fashion decision later and we wish we could spare you that. And trust me, you will regret it. Skinny jeans are your generations answer to the acid washed jeans and MC Hammer pants that came before you although you don't realize it. When people who grew up in the 80's look at their high school pictures and are horrified by the giant bangs and outrageously colored jewelry, that's what these jeans are going to be for you later, and don't get me wrong, everyone will look back at pictures of themselves from a decade or two ago and laugh but there are some choices that nobody should have to come to grips with and skinny jeans are one of them. Spare yourselves, you'll be glad you did.

Sincerely,

Your Fashion Conscience

And on that note...
Dear Fashion Industry,
Stop it. These kids believe what you tell them and you're just lying. Stop it. It's just mean.

Whore-tastic Halloween Costumes

It is a well known fact that for years Halloween has been used as a magical night when women who wish they could dress slutty everyday can actually do it (and women who do dress slutty everyday can run around damn near naked). But recently it seems like this has gone from an occasional occurrence to the rule. That is stupid and needs to stop.

First of all, let's all learn the difference between a costume that is sexy and costume that is slutty. Sexy costumes can be fun… slutty costumes just make you look like a shameless hussy. Wearing cat ears and a tail with heels and a slinky little black dress=sexy cat costume. Wearing cat ears and a tail with heels and a black lacy bra and thong=whore-tastic cat costume. (I'm not even making that one up. I saw that costume last year at a party.) Sometimes it's not even about the amount of skin shown as it is about simple vernacular. Wearing white booty shorts and a corset with angel wings and saying you're a Victoria Secret model=sexy. Wearing that same outfit and saying you're an angel=whore-tastic. You're not an angel, you're a slut... saying otherwise is just lying to yourself.

Also, I must add (it's sad that I even have to say it but apparently I do), there is an age at which the slutty costumes are just no longer appropriate... at all... end of story. If you have children or are at an age when people are surprised and/or concerned that you haven't yet had children, then you are too old to wear slutty costumes. At the previously mentioned party last year I met a women only a few years younger then my mother who was wearing a skank-tastic devil outfit. Not appropriate. The situation went further downhill when she started laughing about how her 17 year old daughter told her she was mortified that her mother would wear that. Definitely not appropriate. I don't care how rockin' your body still is... grow the f up.

If you’re sitting there wondering whether or not your Halloween costume is whore-tastic, I have created this simple quiz.

1. Has your costume for Halloween ever doubled as your costume for amateur night at the strip club?
2. Is the costume that you wear made out of less fabric then the costume that your neighbors toddler wears?
3. Does wearing your costume require shaving or otherwise trimming your pubic hair first?
4. Does your costume bring to mind any of the following terms: harlot, prostitute, street walker, or shameless hussy?

Scoring your Quiz: If you answered yes to any of these questions you look like a whore.

My favorite part of this trend is that then these girls in their booty shorts and skankalicious tiny tops get mad when guys treat them like they're cheap... well listen up honey, don't automatically assume he was trying to act in a degrading manner, he might legitimately be confusing you with a hooker. I thought you were one, is it fair to expect this drunk fratbag to be that much smarter? And don't act offended when nobody can look you in the eye, if you bend over we're all seeing a view of you that is traditionally reserved for your gynecologist so stop pretending you want to be known for your sparkling personality.

Parents v. Baby Einstein

Recently the Campaign For Commercial Free Childhood filed a complain with the FCC against Baby Einstein for "false advertising" and engaged in other legal shenanigans with them over this. My astonishment is not with any of this, but on the hoards of angry parents that have risen up demanding refunds from the Baby Einstein Company in shocked horror that *gasp* it turns out Baby Einstein wasn't really making geniuses out of their children. Parenting On Shine website reports that "This news has rocked the parenting world, which had embraced the videos as a miraculous child-rearing staple."

Are you freaking kidding me? False advertising or not, what person honestly buys into an idea that watching TV is good for their kids? Seriously? You thought that by plopping your kids down in front of a screen instead of spending quality time with them you were doing them a favor? That bright colors and hand puppets were doing anything more productive then amusing your kids so you didn't have to deal with them? How convenient for you.

You want to know what I think? I think there is a whole generation of kids being raised with TV as their full time babysitter, teacher, and guide to the world and somewhere in the back of all these adults minds was the knowledge that they were being shitty parents and failing miserably at the job they could never admit they didn't want as much as they thought they did. So when one jackass somewhere says "Oh! These movies will make your kid smarter!" they all latched onto it and said to one another "Oh, I AM being a good parent if I just make my kids watch this specific program. Then I can drink my coffee in peace without having to deal with the crying, the screaming, the scraped knees, and all those other pesky things commonly known as parenting." And suddenly they could drink that coffee free from the gnawing guilt they had previous been so frustrated by... and they were happy. I'm not buying for a second that anyone was really that dumb to believe that watching TV is good for their children, I think they just wanted an excuse... ANY excuse... to not spend the time doing all the hard parts of parenting.

For all your parents out there who are reading this going "What! Baby Einstein was misleading! I was misled! It's not my fault! Jenna, you're just a judgemental bitch!" but who know in their heart of hearts that I'm right, I have a message for you. NUT UP! You brought these little things into the world and made the choice to keep them so now it's your responsibility to do what needs to be done. Play with your kid, teach them the life lessons that they need to know, discipline them and help them grow into decent people. That isn't going above and beyond the call of duty or being a martyr... that's called doing your job.

Personally, I love Baby Einstein because every once in a while you do just need a break. Everyone, even the best best parents, are going to have those days when they get to their limit and need to drink their coffee in peace, and putting in a Baby Einstein DVD for 30 minutes so you can rejuvenate and be a good parents again is in my opinion astronomically better then putting on Sponge Bob. Having "one of those days" doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you human. But don't lie to yourself about it and try to convince anyone that them watching it is for their own good... just enjoy your coffee, savor the moment of relative serenity, then get back into your life.

Oh and for anyone who really is gullible enough to think that flickering pixels in your child's face was going to make them Mensa members... you're stupid. Sorry.

"My Child Is An Honor Student" bumper stickers

In searching for words to describe my hatred for "My Child Is An Honor Student" bumper stickers I realized that it really all stems back to a much more general hatred.

I hate 90% of bumper stickers or window decals in the world and the reason for my hatred can be summed up in four simple words... WHO GIVES A SHIT!?!?! When we get to be friends I will be interested in what club you are in, how your child is doing in school, which church you attend, and where your political affiliations lie. But guess what, we're not best buds, on the contrary our entire relationship consists of you being next to me on the interstate at this moment in our lives and all I care about is that you don't drive so close to me and that you stay the frick in your own lane. That's it... really... that's the extent of my concern for you. I do not care what sports team you spend your weekends cheering for, I don't care what your thoughts are on global warming/the 2nd amendment/drunk driving/your wife/etc, I don't care what you'd "rather be driving", and for the love of all that is good and holy the little kid peeing on something isn't witty anymore... it's been done so let it die.

But back to the point, My Kid's an Honor Student... really? Do the kids those refer to even like them? My favorite though are when they are from an elementary school... woohoo! Elementary school honor roll! What do you have to do to be on the honor roll in elementary school? Do you really feel the need to brag about the fact that your child is at the developmentally appropriate level for their age? Congratulations... your kid doesn't bite the other children... they can color inside the lines... gold star for your epic parenting. When I was in elementary school the kid with downs was on the honor roll.

Welcome to my blog

This is a blog. A blog I have started so I can rant and rave and generally be a semi-bitter and angry smart ass about all the things in this world that are stupid and that I hate. I was reading a book about accessing your creative side and it said I should write more... since I don't have any real profound or important thoughts that need to be imparted to the world I decided to go a different direction and instead pick a subject where I would have no lack of material to write about. There are lots of stupid things in this world that have rightfully earned my hate... let's explore them together.

Oh, and if I offend anyone in the course of these rantings (and I'm certain that I will) I'm sorry you were offended. That last part's a lie... I'm really not sorry at all.