A small list of things that are stupid about Twilight. (If you've never seen a movie or read a book of it this might not make any sense to you... I won't be offended if you stop reading right here.)
1. The ending of New Moon. For anyone who hasn't seen it I'm not going to spoil it for you... but really!?!? You can't end there! You just can't! I wanted to punch the person sitting next to me in the theater I was so pissed.
2. Sitting in a crowded theater full of tweens (which luckily doesn't happen to me very often at all). Someone needs to teach that age range how to be quiet during a freaking movie... I understand that 95% of your generation has been diagnosed with ADD but it's still not that hard to keep your trap shut for an hour and a half.
3. Team Jacob v. Team Edward fights. If you don't have anything better to argue about then then which species of fictitious monster has the most sex appeal then someone needs to introduce you to religion or politics.
4. Edward. Stop being such an emo pussy. Oh! You're so tormented! Your life is so tragic! No one could ever understand you! Either stop being so emo or just put on some skinny jeans and eye liner already and stop kidding yourself. You've been alive for 109 years which in my book is plenty of time to grow a pair so stop whining and nut up. And just for the record the whole "I have to hurt you to save you" thing is stupid and overdone so just stop it, Bella is a big girl and can make her own decisions you condescending a-hole.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Skinny Jeans
Skinny jeans don't make me nearly as angry as they just make me sad. I am sad because a huge wave of American youth are being tricked into unknowingly wearing the most unflattering cut of pants that anyone ever could have come up with. Left to their own devices these kids could have had the chance to find pants that made them look ok, or at least not awful, but instead the entire fashion industry has told them it's "cool" to not look your best.
Dear Entire Youth Culture,
I am here today to tell you the truth that may be hard to hear, but believe me when I say that I tell you this because I love you. NOBODY LOOKS GOOD IN SKINNY JEANS. Nobody. Really.
That abnormally skinny 1% of the population, you think you can pull them off because you're so teeny tiny but they still usually make you look stubby, no one wants to look stubby. Just because you CAN pull them off doesn't mean they're the best idea for you. The other 99% if you are just making yourselves look unnecessarily fat by wearing them... you're not fat, you're healthy... or maybe you are a little fat, I don't know, but you could give yourself a much more flattering figure by just choosing a style of pants that fits your body type.
At this age you have enough self conscious body image issues to work through without purposely adding to them; you have zits, your hair never looks the way you want it to, you're trying to deal with a completely new body shape that you're not used to, I get it, I was there myself not so long ago. Most of that stuff you will just have to work through, but I guarantee you that you will feel just a little bit better by just wearing clothes that don't make you look worse then you need to look.
On a more selfish note, the rest of us don't want to see all of that, it makes us cringe to see all your flab giggling for the world to see and your muffin top rolling over... and yes, even when you're not fat that's usually what it looks like. We don't cringe because you're ugly, we cringe because we understand that you will regret this fashion decision later and we wish we could spare you that. And trust me, you will regret it. Skinny jeans are your generations answer to the acid washed jeans and MC Hammer pants that came before you although you don't realize it. When people who grew up in the 80's look at their high school pictures and are horrified by the giant bangs and outrageously colored jewelry, that's what these jeans are going to be for you later, and don't get me wrong, everyone will look back at pictures of themselves from a decade or two ago and laugh but there are some choices that nobody should have to come to grips with and skinny jeans are one of them. Spare yourselves, you'll be glad you did.
And on that note...
Dear Fashion Industry,
Stop it. These kids believe what you tell them and you're just lying. Stop it. It's just mean.
Dear Entire Youth Culture,
I am here today to tell you the truth that may be hard to hear, but believe me when I say that I tell you this because I love you. NOBODY LOOKS GOOD IN SKINNY JEANS. Nobody. Really.
That abnormally skinny 1% of the population, you think you can pull them off because you're so teeny tiny but they still usually make you look stubby, no one wants to look stubby. Just because you CAN pull them off doesn't mean they're the best idea for you. The other 99% if you are just making yourselves look unnecessarily fat by wearing them... you're not fat, you're healthy... or maybe you are a little fat, I don't know, but you could give yourself a much more flattering figure by just choosing a style of pants that fits your body type.
At this age you have enough self conscious body image issues to work through without purposely adding to them; you have zits, your hair never looks the way you want it to, you're trying to deal with a completely new body shape that you're not used to, I get it, I was there myself not so long ago. Most of that stuff you will just have to work through, but I guarantee you that you will feel just a little bit better by just wearing clothes that don't make you look worse then you need to look.
On a more selfish note, the rest of us don't want to see all of that, it makes us cringe to see all your flab giggling for the world to see and your muffin top rolling over... and yes, even when you're not fat that's usually what it looks like. We don't cringe because you're ugly, we cringe because we understand that you will regret this fashion decision later and we wish we could spare you that. And trust me, you will regret it. Skinny jeans are your generations answer to the acid washed jeans and MC Hammer pants that came before you although you don't realize it. When people who grew up in the 80's look at their high school pictures and are horrified by the giant bangs and outrageously colored jewelry, that's what these jeans are going to be for you later, and don't get me wrong, everyone will look back at pictures of themselves from a decade or two ago and laugh but there are some choices that nobody should have to come to grips with and skinny jeans are one of them. Spare yourselves, you'll be glad you did.
Sincerely,
Your Fashion Conscience
And on that note...
Dear Fashion Industry,
Stop it. These kids believe what you tell them and you're just lying. Stop it. It's just mean.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Whore-tastic Halloween Costumes
It is a well known fact that for years Halloween has been used as a magical night when women who wish they could dress slutty everyday can actually do it (and women who do dress slutty everyday can run around damn near naked). But recently it seems like this has gone from an occasional occurrence to the rule. That is stupid and needs to stop.
First of all, let's all learn the difference between a costume that is sexy and costume that is slutty. Sexy costumes can be fun… slutty costumes just make you look like a shameless hussy. Wearing cat ears and a tail with heels and a slinky little black dress=sexy cat costume. Wearing cat ears and a tail with heels and a black lacy bra and thong=whore-tastic cat costume. (I'm not even making that one up. I saw that costume last year at a party.) Sometimes it's not even about the amount of skin shown as it is about simple vernacular. Wearing white booty shorts and a corset with angel wings and saying you're a Victoria Secret model=sexy. Wearing that same outfit and saying you're an angel=whore-tastic. You're not an angel, you're a slut... saying otherwise is just lying to yourself.
Also, I must add (it's sad that I even have to say it but apparently I do), there is an age at which the slutty costumes are just no longer appropriate... at all... end of story. If you have children or are at an age when people are surprised and/or concerned that you haven't yet had children, then you are too old to wear slutty costumes. At the previously mentioned party last year I met a women only a few years younger then my mother who was wearing a skank-tastic devil outfit. Not appropriate. The situation went further downhill when she started laughing about how her 17 year old daughter told her she was mortified that her mother would wear that. Definitely not appropriate. I don't care how rockin' your body still is... grow the f up.
1. Has your costume for Halloween ever doubled as your costume for amateur night at the strip club?
2. Is the costume that you wear made out of less fabric then the costume that your neighbors toddler wears?
3. Does wearing your costume require shaving or otherwise trimming your pubic hair first?
4. Does your costume bring to mind any of the following terms: harlot, prostitute, street walker, or shameless hussy?
Scoring your Quiz: If you answered yes to any of these questions you look like a whore.
My favorite part of this trend is that then these girls in their booty shorts and skankalicious tiny tops get mad when guys treat them like they're cheap... well listen up honey, don't automatically assume he was trying to act in a degrading manner, he might legitimately be confusing you with a hooker. I thought you were one, is it fair to expect this drunk fratbag to be that much smarter? And don't act offended when nobody can look you in the eye, if you bend over we're all seeing a view of you that is traditionally reserved for your gynecologist so stop pretending you want to be known for your sparkling personality.
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