The Other Woman In My Marriage

(Note: This is a guest post from a friend of mine who lived by us when we lived further north in the city. I decided it was time to hear from a smart ass other then myself... and I thought it was pretty funny.)


I hate the other woman in my marriage. I would imagine that most marriages have another woman in them whether the wife realizes it or not. Some husbands have little rendezvous every now and then, some have a standing weekly reservation at the local sleezy hotel motel, and some see them every day, multiple times a day, almost every moment that they're not at work, and sometimes when they are... this is the kind I have. Some are named work, some are political involvement, "hanging out with the guys", some are true flesh and blood women (real women are probably the worst kind of other woman to have)... in my marriage I have to deal with a whore named World of Warcraft and all her little whore video game friends.

World of Warcraft has things I will never have... she has fancy animation, quests, swords (I suppose I could get a sword but I don't know if that would help anything), she doesn't get all flabby and stretchy marky after having my husbands baby. She can stay up all night long entertaining him and never once mumble "Seriously though, stop touching me, I need to sleep."

Basically she's that slutty bitch in high school who stole your boyfriend because she would do dirty things in bed while your 15 year old self was still trying to master doing it missionary without making any weird noises. World of Warcraft is the harlot who sticks her finger up his ass while she's giving him a blowjob... NOW HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO COMPETE WITH THAT?!?!

Like so many wives who have to contend with "the other woman" I had fooled myself into thinking "It's not that I'm not enough, there's just something really special about her. If she wasn't around he would only be with me." but like so many other delusional women I was wrong. The skank known as World of Warcraft (I refused to use her nickname, WoW, because that makes her sound exciting, which I maintain she is in fact not) has been on vacation for a few weeks but instead of spending more time with me (or doing anything else at all) like I thought he would, my husband has just been running around after other nameless, faceless, whores. The worst was a particularly filthy hoe named Call Of Duty who in addition to stealing my husband got all up in my face, lay down on the couch, and made my entire house an unbearable place to be. (Call of Duty involves hours upon hours of shooting sound effects. Seriously, if I wanted to hear gun shots all day and all night I would move to Bosnia... or at least south Phoenix.)

Since there is no sign of this torrid love affair ever ending, I have come to the conclusion that we should either become Mormon and invite her to officially join our marriage as a second wife, or I need to find an "other man" of my own. Maybe his name will be shoe shopping... or maybe I'll date 'fun wine bar' who lives down the street. Whoever he is, I need to find him quick because I'm getting really lonely.

Convict an anodyne with passion

All. Politics. Ever.

I hate politics. They're stupid, they just exist to give people something to fight with each other about, and everyone involved in them is most worthy of my hate.

Everyone fights about politicians like there's a good guy and a bad guy. Wake up! This isn't Star Wars, there is no dark side and light side to political parties, everyone on both sides is a ginormous tool. "Oh but Jenna!" I can hear people saying "You don't understand! (insert politician here) has it right. They're so much better than (insert other politician)... they were completely incompetent!" Really? You think the fact that someone is slightly less of a douche bag than someone else is brag worthy? Being the best politician is like being the least creepy person at a porn convention or having the highest reading level in your special ed class... not impressive. Being a little less corrupt or killing a few less people than some other loser doesn't make you a worthwhile leader.

I don't even have to know the opinions of a politician to know they suck. The only thing I have to know is that they hold a major political office because no one with the public's best interests at heart could ever get elected in this country.

The thing that really gets me though is how everyone gets so loyal to their particular party of choice that they completely ignore what's really going on. Being in the pocket of wall street is a perfect example, Democrats will rant and rave about how Republicans are only concerned about the financial assets of the top 1% and Bush only helped his fat cat friends, but completely ignore the fact that Obama bailed big business out just a few short months ago, and Republicans will bitch and moan for days on end about that bail out while conveniently forgetting that Bush passed the first one.

Politics are just an excuse for people to feel superior to one another about having opinions on issues that don't effect them. Are you trying to decide whether or not to terminate a pregnancy? Than your views on abortion (and possibly those of your close, trusted friends) matter. Are you attracted to someone with strikingly similar genitalia to your own? Congratulations, your opinions about gay marriage matter. To everyone else, stop thinking you're better than (insert other person here) because you have what you consider more highly evolved beliefs about (insert irrelevant but controversial topic here).

The reason I hate politics the most though is that it's more addictive than crack. You (and by you I mean I) get sucked into a political tornado (a politinado) and can never escape. Instead you (I) just swirl around in a vortex of frustration, indignation, and family dinners gone horribly wrong when somebody brought up the wrong topic of conversation, working your schedule around so you can attend political rallies, marches, and demonstrations for causes you know are only going to get shut down by the "moral" majority who never bothered to get informed in the first place. And in the end you're just another nobody ranting about how much you hate politics on your blog that nobody reads.

Fuck it. Let's all get high.