Stupidest Election Signs of 2010

Election season is upon us which means... an opportunity to engage as civicly minded and responsible citizens! Just kidding. It means every street corner, intersection, and bare bit of land in this damn state is once again covered with god awful election signs.

Election Signs [ih-lek-shuh n sahynz] noun: A notice of a candidates existence, affixed in public view, displaying pictures and short cliche phrases completely devoid of substance and unrelated to any current issue within the political sphere.

Well, as they say, when life gives you lemons points out how stupid those lemons are and then make fun of them relentlessly until the lemons voluntarily shrive up and cease to exist or you feel better about living in a world with said lemons. So without further ado...

THE STUPIDEST ELECTION SIGNS IN PHOENIX
(2010 edition)

Let's start by throwing (pun intended) some mad props to candidate David Fitzgerald. David Fitzgerald's sign features a picture of a football and the slogan "David Fitzgerald won't drop the ball!" Hey Fitzgerald, that's a fantastic election sign but it left me a little confused, are you running for a government position or for fucking homecoming king? What the fuck do I, an informed and concerned voter, care what sport you play and how proficiently you play it? I know, I know, it's a metaphor... a metaphor for "The best days of my life were in high school and now I have to resort to running for office to prove to myself that I'm still popular." Then there's the little edition slapped on the sign "endorsed by Sheriff Joe Arpaio". You might as well have just written "Fitzgerald: The Next Best Thing to Hitler!"

Well Fitzgerald, your macho bullshit self probably wouldn't have liked me much in high school, and your probably not going to like me now because I'm the only one with the balls to point out how fucking stupid your sign is.

P.S. If I wanted some jockstrap in office I would have voted for Bush, douchebag.

And now on to everyone's favorite governor Jan Brewer. Brewer has signs plastered all over the city of herself as Rosie the riveter. Let's review, Rosie the riveter is a cultural icon from WWII, also known as the end of the great depression... so Brewer, are you trying to remind us that we're in a recession or that we've spent the last eight years losing our friends, brothers, husbands, and sons in a war overseas? Basically, are you trying to rub my nose in the fact that our country is a giant bully, or the fact that last month I had to eat ramen so many nights I sweat MSG because our economy is in worse shape then Lindsey Lohans liver? Hey Brewer, while you're at it why don't you go ahead and remind me that my pet bunny is dead, that I'm covered in stretch marks, or that my math skills are below average. Bitch.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to my homie Justin Johnson, a senate hopeful who has flooded our fair city with giant pictures of him holding his baby up in the air in a quintessential made for TV movie freeze frame ending. (Cue credits.) I'm not even going to rag on Justin for how horribly cheesy these are... I'm sure he's gotten the message from whoever has been running around at night painting his babies face like a juggalo on all the signs.

Well Justin, I guess that's what you get when you whore your child out for votes, consider this a learning experience.

All. Politics. Ever.

I hate politics. They're stupid, they just exist to give people something to fight with each other about, and everyone involved in them is most worthy of my hate.

Everyone fights about politicians like there's a good guy and a bad guy. Wake up! This isn't Star Wars, there is no dark side and light side to political parties, everyone on both sides is a ginormous tool. "Oh but Jenna!" I can hear people saying "You don't understand! (insert politician here) has it right. They're so much better than (insert other politician)... they were completely incompetent!" Really? You think the fact that someone is slightly less of a douche bag than someone else is brag worthy? Being the best politician is like being the least creepy person at a porn convention or having the highest reading level in your special ed class... not impressive. Being a little less corrupt or killing a few less people than some other loser doesn't make you a worthwhile leader.

I don't even have to know the opinions of a politician to know they suck. The only thing I have to know is that they hold a major political office because no one with the public's best interests at heart could ever get elected in this country.

The thing that really gets me though is how everyone gets so loyal to their particular party of choice that they completely ignore what's really going on. Being in the pocket of wall street is a perfect example, Democrats will rant and rave about how Republicans are only concerned about the financial assets of the top 1% and Bush only helped his fat cat friends, but completely ignore the fact that Obama bailed big business out just a few short months ago, and Republicans will bitch and moan for days on end about that bail out while conveniently forgetting that Bush passed the first one.

Politics are just an excuse for people to feel superior to one another about having opinions on issues that don't effect them. Are you trying to decide whether or not to terminate a pregnancy? Than your views on abortion (and possibly those of your close, trusted friends) matter. Are you attracted to someone with strikingly similar genitalia to your own? Congratulations, your opinions about gay marriage matter. To everyone else, stop thinking you're better than (insert other person here) because you have what you consider more highly evolved beliefs about (insert irrelevant but controversial topic here).

The reason I hate politics the most though is that it's more addictive than crack. You (and by you I mean I) get sucked into a political tornado (a politinado) and can never escape. Instead you (I) just swirl around in a vortex of frustration, indignation, and family dinners gone horribly wrong when somebody brought up the wrong topic of conversation, working your schedule around so you can attend political rallies, marches, and demonstrations for causes you know are only going to get shut down by the "moral" majority who never bothered to get informed in the first place. And in the end you're just another nobody ranting about how much you hate politics on your blog that nobody reads.

Fuck it. Let's all get high.