Facebook Parents

My rant today is twofold. There are two kinds of parents on facebook (this could also apply to any other social networking site but since facebook is the only one I use that is the only one I will rant about. Non sequitur side note: myspace sucks) the first of which is the parents of the people for whom facebook was intended (ex: facebook was intended for my generation, thus, my parents fall into this category) and the second is the people for whom facebook was intended who have now procreated (ex: an old friend of mine from high school who shall remain nameless, for the sake of this rant we will refer to her and all similar people as "Parent X".

Let's start with my dear friend Parent X and all of her social networking counterparts. These are the people for whom parenthood has taken over their entire lives... or at least it would appear that way from looking at them on facebook. The people who don't have their own profile picture but instead have a picture of their kid there, which is especially handy when I can't remember for sure where I know this person from and then instead of being able to look at their picture and say "Oh yeah! It's whats-her-nuts from that-one-place!" I have to actually go to their profile page and then embark on a grand and epic quest to search through all their pictures trying to find one that is of them. And it really is a grand and epic quest since Parent X only ever seems to have 19thousand albums of just pictures of their kids, each album containing 14 almost identical pictures that they took in a three minute picture taking spree and then decided every single one needed to be imparted to the rest of the world. A picture may be worth a thousand words (or in this case a thousand pictures may be worth my wrath) but sometimes a few words really can say just as much. This is the case with Parent X's status updates, all of which are about what their kid is doing at this exact moment in time, with subsequent updates on said offspring's activities continuing multiple times a day, every single day. Does anything happen in their own lives anymore? At what point did they stop being an individual themselves and instead become just a conduit through which their children's exploits could be displayed? Really, I'm asking, I want to know, feel free to enlighten me if you have any explanations.

Then there are the second kind of facebook parents... the old people on facebook. But not all old people on facebook, no no, my anger here is reserved for the ones who are going to actually act like parents while they are on facebook. Anyone who at any point in your life could have been considered an authority figure and now continues in that roll by checking up on you on facebook. These are the people who see pictures of you taking shots of jager at a bar/making out with another girl at a party/going to a concert in revealing clothing/flipping off the camera and then leave you messages (or worse yet, corner you at church the next Sunday) and tell you that you need to not be so wild and that your actions are inappropriate. Out of sheer hatred I'm not even going to mention the people who see these things and then call your parents to tell them about your behavior, those people all need to get gonorrhea and fall off a cliff.

And so to conclude, I have written out the four commandments of facebook. If the ancient Israelites had internet access I'm confident God would have added these to those infamous stone tablets.

1. Thou Shalt Have Thine Own Profile Picture. When your little monsters are old enough to have their own facebook account then they can have a profile picture featuring only themselves... until then yours need to be of you or at the vary least of you with your child.

2. Thou Shalt Pick The Best Picture Of Thy Child, and Add Only That To The Album. Yes, we get it, your child sitting on the couch is just SOOO adorable, and the best way to get that perfect picture is to take shot after shot after shot. But that is only step one, step two is then going through all those nearly identical pictures of your spawn on the couch and picking the best one or two and only posting those. Trust me, nobody cares about the rest of them except you.

3. Thou Shalt Make Thy Status About Thyself. When your child does something that really effected your day or that other people will care about (hint: you are not a good judge of what other people care about, otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation), you can put that as your status. The fact that your child has been throwing up non-stop all day and it's making you want to drink - you may post this because it is about you as well. The fact that your child took their first steps - you may post this because it's a big deal and other people care. But nobody gives a shit that your kid is eating a cookie, or coloring a picture, or making funny noises. Repeat: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT.

4. Thou Shalt Be Prepared For The Content Of Facebook Or Thou Shalt Get The Fuck Off It. Call me old school, but I remember fondly the good old days when you had to be in college to get a facebook account and I am not going to start censoring myself just because some middle aged republican extended family member of mine is on here now. I drink, I occasionally give people the middle finger, and I am amused by making juvenile gestures pretending that the Sing Star microphone is a penis... and I will post those pictures. Also, I will swear in my status when I deem it necessary. If you have a problem with that I am not going to worry my pretty little head about it, parents shouldn't be on facebook unless they are ready to deal with what they find.